Tuesday, November 26, 2013

The Story Begins...(Part III)

     It’s funny and interesting that God allowed me to be symptom free for that long of a time. The reason I am saying this is because even though I was in the church, I was really just warming the pew. In fact, for those that I did not tell I was a Christian, and that I attended church regularly, AND directed the choir, AND sang on the praise team, AND worked with the church youth…would not have been able to tell. I was living life as I saw fit. I was not committed to God. In fact, I often blamed God for making me sick. Do you know the story of Job? Well, Job is a man in the Bible that went through a lot of trials and tribulations at the hand of Satan. Although his wife, who saw him suffering greatly, advised him to curse God and die, Job never spoke a bad word against God. In the end, God blessed him because he did not waver in his faith despite his struggles but I never...I repeat...I NEVER desired to be like Job. No matter how many times I heard the story or I was compared to him, I didn't admire his strength or his resilience in the midst of his test. Most of the time, I felt like Job's wife. While I never cursed God, I did question him on many occasions. It wasn't until years later that I felt an overwhelming inexplicable feeling that all of my pain was for a greater purpose. 

     Prior to that revelation, I admittedly would seek God only when it was convenient for me. When God would answer my prayers, I would go back to living a reckless life until the next physical setback. It was like I was pimping God. I realize now that either you're in or you're out. Don't be lukewarm. God doesn't care for lukewarm. 

     Now I'm not blogging to be on a religious soapbox, so please don't get that impression. My sole purpose is to uplift, encourage, enlighten, support, and to advocate for those with Crohn's or other silent diseases. My heart especially goes out to those with diverting colostomies, ileostomies and urostomies. However, I can't be true to myself and my readers if I do not fully express that I am a child of God. Despite the challenges that I've faced in this life, I will forever be grateful to God for life, health, and strength. He gave it to me, and he surely has the power to take it away as he wills. Now, back to the story....(I digressed a bit there..)

     I found out that God will remove those things from your life that you put in front of him.. My then boyfriend that I was allowing to consume my time and sucking up all of my attention that should’ve been reserved for God was sent to Federal prison for 22 months. Instead of understanding what God was doing, and that he was trying to get my attention, I stayed with this guy and would travel back and forth to Brooklyn, NY sometimes on public transportation to see him. Those were the hardest two years of my life to date, I think. Not only was I trying to hold onto something that God did not validate, but I was physically sick most of the time (having accidents in the train station and even at the prison itself) but it did not deter me from going. I was madly in love and connected in a way that I still cannot articulate; I was not willing to give that up. I was really blessed to always be in relationships with guys who accepted me...Crohn's and all. (Shout out to C. Redden and T. King - if you're reading)

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